Real examiners · graded by hand
Every paper here was scored by a certified Cambridge examiner — a band for each of the four criteria, the lines that helped and hurt, and what separates one band from the next.
Gary McCloud
25 essays
Tony Grace
16 essays
Greed and selfishness vs traditional values
…they emphasize the importance of ethical behavior, moral principles and respect for authority, all of which provide a framework for deterring crime. Nonetheless, critics of traditional values maintain that they may not be applicable or effective in modern…
Better: result in less crime Good, ethical behaviour in and of itself results in less crime. I think deterring crime is a different matter altogether
Letter to council about new factory
…be located in an industrial park or a similar designated area, away from residential areas and schools. In other words, the location should be one where the potential impact on the environment and the surrounding community is…
good
Letter to the council re historic building
…an important historical building in Ottawa, which is currently in a state of disrepair, and to propose some suggestions on how to address the issue. The structure is of significant cultural and architectural value to my…
I’m not sure about this. Maybe about is better. In cases like this, I’d rephrase Suggestions with regard to addressing […] Or use the verb
Countries are becoming more alike
…lifestyles, which can have the power to eliminate discrimination, prejudice, racism and xenophobia. This would contribute to an inclusive society, where individuals from different cultural backgrounds can coexist harmoniously.…
Better to just say contributes
Letter to a friend about a course
…the course, I've become more confident in public speaking, better at handling challenging conversations, and developed stronger relationships with colleagues and clients through active listening and empathy. I hope this info…
See GRA
Rich countries getting even richer
Opinions differ on whether economic growth contributes to happiness in developed countries. Any progress in wealth can positively contribute to the overall happiness of society. Additional wealth can provide…
better to say I believe […]
Invitation to a celebration
…100 people from both sides of our families gathering together to drink beer, feast on seafood and dance. As for staying, don’t worry about it because I’ve already booked a room in a 5-star hotel to provide you with the best…
See LR
Tourism advantages & disadvantages
…more frequent and severe natural disasters, and irreparable damage to local ecosystems and wildlife. Furthermore, the exploitation of cultural items for the benefit of the travel industry can cause the loss of traditional…
the other major problem is that
Letter to a colleague asking for help re equipment
…and extend our influence. For this meeting to be effective, I will require a computer, a projector and a whiteboard to display my slides to provide detailed, visual representations of the steps involved and why they are…
More likely a pull-down white screen the meeting room already has a pull-down projector screen.
Delayed families
…establish themselves before starting a family. Despite the challenges, the benefits of delayed childbirth are more significant, particularly when the maturity and financial security of parents are considered. The most important factor…
better: outweigh them
Cold cases
Advances in forensic science have revolutionized criminal investigation. Opinions differ on whether they should be used to re-examine old cases. Despite some criticisms, such…
Plural is better
Traffic problem-solution
…approach to tackle them is for governments to institute higher taxes on petrol and import cars. This can potentially discourage individuals from owning and operating private cars, which diminishes the number of private…
Better would
School recommendations for improvements
…online discussion. One suggestion for improvement would be installing a central air-conditioning system which provides a comfortable ambience for all classrooms. Also, equipping all classrooms with projectors and computers…
better: to provide
A friend is visiitng the town where you live
…well. I’m writing to give you some advice regarding your stay in my hometown, Ho Chi Minh City, Vietnam. To begin with, I’d suggest you visit the city in summer because it is the most wonderful time of the year. I guarantee…
good
Instant noodle production
…mixing and cooking stages, to the finished labeled and sealed products. At the beginning of the process, noodle flour stored in silos is transferred to tank trucks by pumpers to prepare for production. After being transported…
Ok but I’ve never heard of noodle flour.
Knowledge Storage
…purchases from bookstores and present a significant challenge regarding finding specific information. Another important upside of digitized data is its timeless nature. Online resources are indestructible and ageless, whereas physical books can be obliterated by natural…
Excellent topic SENTENCE again. / 'upside' is idiom. Feels a bit extreme/abrupt.
Government support for children or for olympic athletes
…which may allow them to navigate complex social situations in the workplace later. Additionally, prioritizing children also emphasizes the importance of financial implications. Sports participation can teach them valuable…
better: prioritising children’s participation in sport
AI Superiority
…are justifiable, the benefits of artificial intelligence to humanity are relatively more significant. Opponents of artificial intelligence developments espouse foreseeable threats of AI superiority and its applications as weapons. Relentless technological advances in the field of artificial intelligence can culminate in countless AI…
Strong Topic Sentence (and nice parallel structure for both of them)
International Aid
…with the caveat of potential misappropriation due to governmental corruption and political malfeasance. Practical assistance and advice are crucial regarding international health crises and sustainability of a country.
This is not the sequence you followed in P3
Wealth & Charity
…examples of such funding instrumental in vaccine development, experimental surgery and cancer research. Resultant medical advances benefit all individuals in society. In conclusion, the most fundamental aspect of wealth is helping other individuals through charity, tax…
wordy — arguably redundant. redundant with 'beneficial for all human beings' above but 'ok'
Genetics vs Crime
…exposure to illicit drugs, child abuse and domestic violence, are more inclined towards felonious activity. Therefore, sufficient parental supervision and maintaining harmonious relationships between family members are essential. In conclusion, both hereditary and environmental variables are the determinants of an individual's…
Redundant with P2
Banning Advertising
…marketing, the dissolution of which would disrupt cash flow and the operation of the entire business. Another important justification for disputing advertising restrictions is a loss of employment opportunities. Since marketing positions exist in abundance, such prohibition would render countless individuals jobless.…
Here would be a reasonable place for 'Another important justification....'
Borrowed Book Letter
School Renovation Letter
Friend Visit Letter
Fresh Water Control
The scarcity of freshwater is inherently problematic. Opinions are divergent regarding whether or not restrictive legislation effectively regulates freshwater…
Don't state the obvious
Cell Phones & Children
Digital transformation has permeated contemporary society and education. Parents’ opinions are divergent regarding whether mobile phones are injurious or useful for children.…
Don't state the obvious
Online Learning
…model is impractical due to its innumerable benefits accrued from practical experience in certain fields. Supplanting physical classrooms with distance learning is a cost-effective strategy promoting public health initiatives and universal access to education. Virtual classrooms dispense with operational expenses, like administrative and parking services, incurred…
Excellent Sentence and Excellent Topic Sentence
Expensive Weddings
…deeds, investing in a college education or purchasing technology solutions to facilitate ease of life. These would be perceived as more socially acceptable, promote greater career progression and provide better long-term happiness. In conclusion, reasonable interpretations for increased expenditure on special occasions, including…
Not a grammar error but better with my correction. I can view as a 'slip' so 9 in grammar still possible
Law & Society Advanced Version
…eventuating in companies depleting coal reserves and decreased air quality resulting from severe pollution. Another strong counter-argument involves scientific research. Provided no restrictive legislation on nuclear weapons, nations would conduct research and initiate nuclear…
Suggests rephrasing to 'Justification for a lawful society involves...'
Law & Society Simplified Version
Societal progress has promoted the formation of laws and regulations. Opinions are divided on their role in preventing society from falling into anarchy. Laws and regulations are vital in maintaining basic social functions. Proponents of a lawless society…
'Devolving' or 'degenerating' are not overly complex and much better than the phrasal verb 'falling into'
Homeschooling
Crime Graph Task 1
Glass Recycling Diagram Task 1
…was seen in 2012 to reach 7%. The diagram below shows how glass is recycled. [How Glass is Recycled] The diagram illustrates the circular process used to recycle glass. Overall, this is a six-step, largely mechanical process through which used glass bottles are converted into…
You are not wrong but the correction is better
Consumer Goods & Environment
…further exacerbated by psychological factors (both conscious and subconscious) affecting buying behavior. Loss aversion, environmental non-consciousness and emotional appeal all contribute to profligate spending and impulse buying. Such purchases stimulate the production of merchandise which motivates consumerism and formulates a…
If it's 'non-conscious' then it's hard to claim it's 'shamelessly immoral'
International Exchange Programs
Plagiarism
Holiday Letter
Animal Testing
…concerns. Proponents of animal experimentation espouse the importance of medical development to humanity. Experimentation on animals saves lives. History provides countless examples of animal testing instrumental in vaccine development, experimental…
Nice, powerful, short sentence
Colleague Goodbye Letter
University Funding
…education by private organizations and students is essential due to educational and psychological factors. Quality education requires adequate funding; grants by private organizations or companies are paramount to universities. With technological or financial investment from such groups under signed contracts, universities can…
use a semi-colon here