8.5Band

Writing Task 2Marked paper

Greed and selfishness vs traditional values

The question

Individual greed and selfishness seem to be the basis of the modern society. Some people think that we must return to the older and more traditional values of respect for the family and the local community in order to create a better world to live in. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

320 wordsMarked 3 April 2023You should spend about 40 minutes on this task.Write at least 250 words.

8.5Overall
band

Tony Grace

IELTS examiner

Click a criterion to focus its notes & feedback

The essay — as marked320 words

Opinions differ on whether embracing conventional ideals, which uphold the value of family and community, can address contemporary challenges. A revival of traditional values, although not a complete solution, has a significant role in creating a more harmonious and compassionate society. Traditional values are instrumental in counterbalancing the negative impacts of individualistic pursuits, such as an overemphasis on personal goals as well as criminal activity. One fundamental reason is that the accelerated and progressive pace of contemporary lifestyles has resulted in people prioritizing their goals and aspirations, leading to the erosion of family bonds. Therefore, conventional ideals that prioritize familial relationships can help to re-establish these bonds and create a stronger sense of connection and emotional support. The other reason is that these values can contribute to decreased crime rates. This is because they emphasize the importance of ethical behavior, moral principles and respect for authority, all of which provide a framework for deterring crime. Nonetheless, critics of traditional values maintain that they may not be applicable or effective in modern society. This is because contemporary problems, especially climate change and environmental degradation, require modernity and innovation in their solutions, whereas nostalgia for conventional values can lead to increased resistance to change and a reluctance to embrace new ideas and innovations. However, it is important to consider that a restoration of traditional values does not necessarily mean abandoning all aspects of modernity, but it rather suggests incorporating these ideals in a balanced and nuanced manner. This allows individuals to benefit from the wisdom and ethical framework of these values while embracing the positive aspects of modern life. In conclusion, although traditional values may not provide all the answers to contemporary problems, they serve as a framework for addressing them. It is also important to embrace innovation and modernity to tackle the complex challenges of modern life while creating a society that is more connected and compassionate. Overall band score 8.57+9+9+9

Examiner notes19 notes

1Task · TipsuggestionEXAMINER · TR

Good introduction with a clear position, but I would definitely mention greed and selfishness

2Grammar · IssueissueEXAMINER · GRA

See above

3Task · StrengthstrengthEXAMINER · TR

Good main idea

4Cohesion · StrengthstrengthEXAMINER · CC

Good topic sentence

5Task · StrengthstrengthEXAMINER · TR

Relevant supporting ideas

6Cohesion · StrengthstrengthEXAMINER · CC

Good coherent sentences

7Lexis · IssueissueEXAMINER · LR

Better: result in less crime Good, ethical behaviour in and of itself results in less crime. I think deterring crime is a different matter altogether

8Lexis · IssueissueEXAMINER · LR

reducing

9Task · IssueissueEXAMINER · TR

Good main idea, but the supporting ideas are more about the probably of modern civilisation.

10Cohesion · StrengthstrengthEXAMINER · CC

Good topic sentence

11Task · TipsuggestionEXAMINER · TR

It’s not clear why traditional values can’t solve “climate change”, given that it’s modern society, with all its greed and selfishness, that have caused it, to the extent that it is real. Perhaps a focus on family and community would act to counter the greed and selfishness which led to the obsession with economic growth and consumerism, which you could argue contribute to climate change

12Cohesion · StrengthstrengthEXAMINER · CC

Good sentence

13Task · IssueissueEXAMINER · TR

Nostalgia for traditional values is the opposite of resistance to change – is the desire for a change back

14Task · TipsuggestionEXAMINER · TR

Some examples would be nice here

15Task · StrengthstrengthEXAMINER · TR

Relevant supporting ideas.

16Cohesion · StrengthstrengthEXAMINER · CC

Good

17Task · TipsuggestionEXAMINER · TR

it would be nice to know what the positive aspects were though – the question is about greed and selfishness,

18Task · IssueissueEXAMINER · TR

Ok conclusion, consistent with the main ideas. You referred to embracing innovation and modernity, but the question is about greed and selfishness. I think this is risky

19Cohesion · StrengthstrengthEXAMINER · CC

Good sentences

The arithmetic

How four marks become 8.5

TR 7.0+CC 9.0+LR 9.0+GRA 9.0=34÷ 4 =Band 8.5

IELTS writing takes the arithmetic mean of the four criteria, rounded to the nearest half band. One lagging criterion drags the whole score — fixing TR alone takes this paper from 8.5 to 9.0.

“Advice On Brainstorming For Task 2

As you’re planning and writing your answer, remember to constantly ask yourself if you’re answering the question. Check back to the question a few times as you think of ideas to make sure they’re directly relevant.

Make sure your introduction directly addresses the question.
Make sure your ideas address all parts of the question. If the question asks for solutions, in the plural, you must suggest at least 2.
Make sure your main ideas, as stated in the first sentence of the main body paragraphs, are directly relevant to the question.
Make sure your supporting ideas, which follow the main ideas in the main body paragraphs, directly support the main idea.
Be especially careful if you’ve answered similar question before, as there will always be important differences.
Make sure your conclusion directly answers the question, that it is consistent with the ideas in the main bodies, and that it does not contradict the introduction.

TTony Grace · notes from the examiner

“Paragraphing for Task 2

I recommend you write 4 paragraphs as follows:

Write an introduction, that explains what the question is. After reading the introduction, the reader should have a good idea what the essay is about, and what your position (opinion) is. It should be possible to write an introduction in under 50 words. It is not necessary to write a long background statement.
Write 2 main body paragraphs. This should allow you to expand on the ideas sufficiently to persuade the examiner that you’ve fully supported the main ideas. If you write 3 main bodies, it is more difficult to expand and support them sufficiently to get a high score.
If it’s a two-part question, answer the questions in the order they’re given and write one paragraph per question.
The main body paragraphs should be 100-120 words, and each paragraph should have a clear topic sentence and 2 or more supporting ideas which support the topic sentence with reasons, evidence, and examples. Do not waste time with lots of background information.
The topic sentences should directly address the question.
The conclusion should be consistent with the introduction and the main ideas, and it should not introduce new ideas. It should directly answer the question. Do not leave the examiner in any doubt about whether you’ve answered the question.
If you write a third paragraph in a discuss both sides question to clarify your position, make sure that give a good reason to reject one of the sides. If you just restated the original ideas about one side, the examiner may decide you have covered one side more than the other.
It is also ok to write a third body paragraph in a to what extent question if you have main ideas which both agree and disagree with the proposition. Avoid short paragraphs, with under 70 words, as it may be difficult to show a clear central topic in a short paragraph.

TTony Grace · notes from the examiner

Close the gap

Turn the TR 7 into a 9

Rewrite

Graded essay · Writing Task 2 · Marked by Tony GraceEssay ID GE-graded-task2-greed-and-selfishness-vs-traditional-values

Greed and selfishness vs traditional values

How four marks become 8.5

Turn the TR 7 into a 9

Redo this prompt with the notes open

Task Response: close the gap

Read a Band 9.0 paper